Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
