nut hugger
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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