please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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