Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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