My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
