Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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