You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
