I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
