U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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