no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
