I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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