I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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