take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
