guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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