oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I fill condoms, not promises.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
