just survived the first fart of the relationship.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
