I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
