Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
