I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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