There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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