have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
two words...techno handjob
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize