All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize