im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
