I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
