when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
