She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
