cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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