3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
