tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
