can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
