If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize