you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
