good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
