and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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