He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize