dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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