is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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