You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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