new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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