I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
