I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize