why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
