You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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