im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
