Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
