On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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