You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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