so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
