You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
