she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
