I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
