I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
