Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
