i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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