Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
