i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I understand Curling. That high.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize