I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
