i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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