forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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