I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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